Cap’s Journal

So, writing is something of therapy for me; the way to get lost into a different world, a different idea, a different time. I used to be a pretty active roleplayer in MMO’s and message boards (no…not that kind of roleplay) growing up, and I feel like it really expanded both my writing ability, but also my ability to get out of my own head a bit and explore a different mindset, a different idea.

So why am I talking about this now?

Frankly, because I need to write.

See, life has been a bit crazy for the Cap as of late. Between big IRL projects, trying to get back into the habit of streaming on a more consistent basis, having ideas for content creation, and desperately trying to find a new day job…there’s a lot of stress and anxiety right now (no doubt that is everywhere with how the world is, but I digress). As someone that suffers from severe anxiety (join the club, right?) times like these tend to be even harder to focus and to be able to accomplish what is needed.

Couple this with a few disappointments and rejections job wise, and this has left me in a very dark place.

But…I don’t do dark places. I am the one to pull people out of those places, right?

Right…except when I can’t, because I am in one myself.

As someone that is most definitely a people person, I thrive on helping others. I enjoy it, I’ve always enjoyed it, and I’m told (well, up until recently) by most everyone that I am pretty good at it. I can be empathetic and am just an easy person to talk to, something that I have to use on the daily in my current role, and feel like I will continue to use in whatever new role I (hopefully soon) find.

But how do you do that when you can’t even figure out your own issues?

I don’t know. I find myself these past few weeks in a position I haven’t been in before, and am not sure how to overcome. Tomorrow, I have a very scary appointment for an opportunity that I really want, but I don’t know if I can shake myself out of this in time to fully excel at it, and cross the finish line.

What do you do, dear reader, when all of the lights go out? How do you push through? Because if I am to seize this opportunity, I have to give it my very best, and I’m not sure I can muster that yet.

What do you do when all of the light goes out?

I guess if I were talking to me, I would try and think of something catchy to say, like “Well, maybe you could set everything on fire! That way there will be plenty of light, just have to make your own!”

Make your own light. Be your own light.

Be your own light.

Maybe it really is that simple. Maybe when everything else goes out, you reach as deep as you can go and pull on everything you know, everything you’ve been through, and you let it shine through the cracks and the dark like a beacon being lit.

Maybe I’ll put that on a t-shirt someday.

Regardless, thank you for reading a small blip into my mind. This really wasn’t written for you though, but for me. Because just for a few minutes, I could step out of myself and become someone different, someone that was brave enough to take a piece of themselves and put it down into words, and share it with the faceless masses of the internet. Someone that had enough mindset to really think about what was going on, and understand that sometimes we are just along for the ride in this world, and we’ll go through some dark places.

But in the end, we have to be our own light.

Thanks again for reading. Stay safe, and take care.

Published by Captain Aegis

Cap has been a gamer since before he could remember (maybe even longer...time travel can be weird). He has a love for MMORPGs, JRPGs, RTS...pretty much anything that is not a sports title. When he isn't gaming, he loves reading, movie Marathons, and anything Disney.

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